I’m flummoxed. Yes, stumped by you humans. Just when I think I’ve figured out how you get around, I learn something else. What’s next? You gonna fly? HAHAHA!
Here is what happened after we attempted using the Kreatrix’ car:
I’m told this is a bike.
I do like how shiny and new it looks.
The World Domination Squad gathered around it and waited for it to do something. We even threw a key at it.
Then the Kreatrix said:
“I got it for you to ride. You get on it and off you go! And the best part is, you don’t need a key to start it.”
Woah. Profound. Humans actually like something that doesn’t have a key?
I politely asked
“Where’s the gas tank?”
She pointed at my stomach.
SAY WHAT? I am NOT gonna guzzle gasoline!
“No. Eat a good meal so you can peddle hard with your legs.”
Seriously? That’s fun? She tried to convince me by helping me get on the thing.
Okay, so I look smokin’.
Ginger got all giggly and got on the thing with me and wrapped her paws around…um…me…and well…well…okay, fine, it makes me look cool.
I googled the hardware store and when I found just exactly where the closest one was located here is what I hollered down the hall to the Kreatrix.
“I am NOT peddling that thing 10 miles round trip! NOT, I tell you! I’m just a little guy with big dreams and a lot of courage in locating my true destiny that is basked in the glow of universal approval and frankly, the universe needs to cut me some slack!”
Ya wanna know what she said after she stopped laughing?
“You’ll figure it out. I have confidence in you.”
I was so mad, I suddenly became brilliant.
I called a neighbor and asked to borrow their screwdriver tool making sure that it’s not the screwdriver drink.
The D Squad gave me a good send off as I peddled UP HILL!
And then I arrived!!!!
Not only did he give me a screwdriver tool but he gave me a helmet and said to wear it while on the bike.
He was so nice I couldn’t tell him I looked like a dork. Whatever.
Ten minutes later, my Peeps were still waiting for me and cheered when they saw the screwdriver.
YOWZA! Not 10 miles! 10 minutes!!! And I got the screwdriver.
You all are in trouble now, I tell you!!! Mwahahahaha!!!!
I’m calling the orange one Ginger. I may or may not have a little crush on her. She’s very silly and, well, pretty.
So far, I’m calling the other one Dude. Mainly because I kept screaming “DUDE, you scared the kitty poo outta me!”
Dude and Ginger got the full tour. It was Ginger’s idea to place the fake poinsettia plants (real ones are poisonous!) on the RLC’s while they slept and then take pictures of ourselves with them. HAHA.
Oh dear, I Am So Afraid…NOT! Look at Rudy’s face. He woke up and was all like “what the hiss is that?”
We had to move fast to get our picture taken.
I let Ginger and Dude in on my World Domination plan and how I need a screwdriver thingy to hack into the cool vintage iMac. However, I need to borrow the car machine and order it to take me to the hardware store.
I went out front and had a few words with the car.
"Hey, machine thingy, how's about you takin' me to the store."
Nothin'. So I decided to look it right in an eyeball and speak firmly.
"Pop open those doors, big fella, and let me hop in!"
Still nothin’. Dumber than a dog, those machines are. Just sat and stared at me.
Then I discover what stands between me and the hardware store.
A word about keys. They, also, hold great power and importance for humans. Apparently a key will MAKE a machine take you to the store.
Small problemo…why do you humans have sooooo many keys?
I recruited the World Domination Squad.
We pawed through them trying to figure out which was the magic key to a car machine.
Ginger just wanted to take selfies.
Then Dude had the brilliant idea to take all the keys out to the driveway and throw them one by one against the cars to see which one would make it open the doors. But when we got out there I noticed a little notch on the door of the Kreatrix' car. Hmmmm.
Hallelujah! One of those babies actually fit!
Here I am about to make it all happen:
And then this happened.
sigh. And she says THE single most popular phrase EVER these days:
"What are you doing?"
I told her I needed a screwdriver.
And she looked all funny-like and said:
"The drink or the tool?"
Confusion abounds. Not wanting to look stupid, I politely asked which one would do the job?
"Both are capable but one should not be used in combination with that car. "
Humans. Drinks are tools. Keys are powerful. Anything with a screen is powerful. You put dead trees in your house with lights all over them. Honestly.
Ok. It is my understanding that some of you aren’t sure I can handle the weaponry needed to carry out my plan. I assure you, I can.
HOWEVER, just to be safe I began by letting Wally, Melvin and Rudy out the front door.
JOKING! I closed them up in the back room. Sheesh. You’ll believe anything.
Immediately, I had to ditch the safety goggles. What’s so safe about ‘em if you can’t see what you’re doing?
I was determined to hack into this baby, so I tried a lot of this:
I could feel my frustration mounting but I kept on.
And kept on…
Nothing worked! I even tried the added weight of my cat laying on me.
“I have deadlines to meet, people!!” I screamed as I pounded the vintage imac with my soft little paws.
And then I let slip with an apparently bad word and began sobbing.
Suddenly, I felt her presence.
“What did you say?” she said in her best Clint Eastwood growl.
In a super sweet voice, I told her:
“um… ‘oh-stuff-you-find-in-the-kitty-pan’ I have deadlines to meet?”
Yah. That worked.
So this is her idea:
“Every time you say a bad word, you have to put some money in your piggy bank.”
I thought it sounded like a pretty sweet deal until she told me I couldn’t use any coins of hers. They had to come from my paycheck. I grabbed hold of myself and asked if I could have a list of objectionable words so I can plan ahead.
“Deal. Oh...Wally is feeling a little left out. Let's post a pretty picture of him,” she said.
So, I recruited the CEO to help carry it into our headquarters.
My new cat enjoyed the ride up top.
But we kinda got annoyed when he kept screaming
“I’m King of the World! Celine, where are you when I need you?”
My cat kept saying…
"Do it again. Do it again! Again! Again!"
We sat and stared at it for hours…waiting for it to do something.
FINALLY, the Kreatrix joined us.
In all her infinite wisdom she remarked:
“Hmmm. What are you gonna do with it?”
Haven’t a clue. The on button won’t even work. I shared with her my deepest feelings about being brave in my quest for World Domination. How I needed to remain vulnerable in my courage so that people could relate to how willing I am to be cracked open with vulnerability and I would be willing to lean into my courage if I just knew what I was supposed to lean into.
“What the heck are you talking about?”
I don’t know…I read it somewhere on the internet.
“Uh-huh. Well. Use the Force, Luke. You’ll figure out what to do with it.”
I hate when she says that! Like I’ll be able to figure -----OH WAIT! OH GLORIOUS DAY…. I gotta go. I gotta get to work! I am gonna RULE!!! Whimsical cat dolls (keyword alert) are gonna rule!